August 2009 archive
Here’s a re-post of a blog that seemed to hit home with a lot of us a few years ago.
I just read a fascinating blog about a book that sounds intriguing: http://www.traylorlovvorn.com. In it, Traylor addresses the issue of “nice men who aren’t loving.” He asks women to comment on how that impacts us. For now, my mind goes to how I (and I think many other women) have failed to live and love well as Christians because of our commitment to niceness.
I could write books about this (maybe someday I’ll write the women’s version of Paul Coughlin’s book☺), but for now, I’ll give one example of a time I failed miserably at love because of my niceness.
Many years ago, the VBS director at our church asked me to carry on my four-year tradition of leading recreation. We live in Pensacola, Florida, and having no large indoor facilities, for VBS rec, we sweat it out in a concrete courtyard in the searing June heat. I nicely informed her of the reality I was sure she had forgotten, “My baby is due four weeks before the scheduled date.” She nicely reminded me that I had led valiantly two years ago, weeks before my third child was due. “You have amazing pregnancies,” she nicely observed. And then she threw in the trump card, “I really don’t know who else could do it.” So I did the ‘nice’ thing: I agreed to do it.
Here were the not-so-nice outcomes of my niceness:
1. My baby arrived late, so he was only two weeks old when VBS began. I had to hurriedly nurse him between rec sessions, and dehydrated from the heat, I didn’t have much milk to offer. The easiest baby ever born quickly became the crankiest baby alive.
2. I was not nice to my other three kids. I was exhausted and irritable.
3. I was really not nice to my husband, who wondered what possessed me to agree.
On a much larger scale, I failed to live and love well as a Christian.
1. I subsumed God’s role as Author by writing myself in the role of recreation rescuer. I’m pretty sure God meant that role for someone else.
2. Along with that, I perpetuated idolatry, both my own and that of the director, by assuming I was the only one who could fill the position.
3. I was really only nice because I wanted to be liked and respected, not because I was seeking to love God.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe in volunteering for church and other ministry activities. Too many people use the excuse of “I am not called to that place” and leave the church high and dry for helpers to carry out the important but sometimes drudgerous duties that come with large visions and essential ministries. But in this case, I was nice to one person, primarily to serve my own needs, and in being so, I failed to love God and love others well. I wish I could say after that it was ‘no-more-Christian-nice-girl,’ but unfortunately, this is an ongoing struggle! What about you? Are you a Christian-nice-guy or girl?
This is an excerpt from a chapter I am writing on how knowing our stories grows our faith. The first part of that chapter is about the struggle to surrender to the unknown (in other words to live in faith.) The rest of the chapter took me to a story of my own difficult experience of going off to college and how God used that pain to bring me back to his heart. Here is where I ended regarding my daughter:
I am now three days closer to my daughter’s departure date. Writing about my tragic and yet deeply redemptive experience of going off to college has strengthened me to face her move into the unknown with greater faith. God has reminded me of key stories of rescue. As I think about my daughter’s new story, I have a certainty that comes from remembering redemption.
Much is still uncertain about her story. She may struggle. She probably will struggle. Her struggles will be different than mine. Perhaps she will be faced with the complexity of a difficult roommate; perhaps she will have problems with time management as she experiences the first romance of her life; she might even be homesick.
Then again, she is more likely to flourish. She will embrace the academic challenge; she will enjoy the experience of a church that lives with a sense of story and mission; and she will discover the previously unknown wonder of viewing life from mountaintops rather than the shore.
Whatever happens, whether her first year of college flows with the harmony of sweet shalom or jerks along with the awkwardness of a girl learning to drive stick shift or even comes to a complete stop when she hits a wall, I know this. She trusts in a faithful God. God has bestowed her with a wealth of family and friends who will be watching out for her and calling her name if she forgets it. Even if she does not hear us calling her home to herself, to turn and trust in God, God will pursue her until she does. Because I remember a great story of redemption in my own life, I can lean into the unknown of a story for which I deeply care, my daughter’s. Faith calls us to forgo our own plans for safety and security and follow God into the unknown and unfamiliar. Hope draws us to remember the “rest of the story” to dream about redemption in the present.
In any story, well-developed, complex characters drive the plotline. But our stories are unique because they bear the mark of God. Scotty Smith writes,
“God is telling an authentic, non-spin story of selfish, broken people, who are in the process of being made new by Jesus. That’s why Jesus has the lead role in God’s Story. But He’s not the only character. He’s making us characters too. We are carriers of God’s Story – targets for hope who’ll serve as agents of hope, and candidates of mercy who’ll live as conduits of mercy. Jesus is bringing restoration to broken individuals as a means of bringing healing to other individuals, families, communities, and ultimately, to the whole universe.” (Restoring Broken Things)
Because God has made us characters who are carriers of His story, we must carefully consider the people and relationships in our stories. No person, no interaction with a person, can be random – each one, whether an apparently good or evil influence, has been written there by God to further His purposes. Think of a question people commonly ask you – “How did you…decide to go to Washington state for seminary when you live in Florida?….know you wanted to be a carpenter when you grew up? ….meet your best friend?” The answers to these questions involve story, but they also involve characters. Here is an example of a way to answer by naming the characters who were agents of hope in our lives.
How did I come to know Christ?
My brother and I were not raised in a Christian home, but through a series of circumstances, we ended up attending a Christian school when I was an 8th grader and he was a 10th grader. My brother met Christians who invited him to Young Life and told him about confirmation. He decided that he and I should be confirmed in the Episcopal church (where we had attended occasionally), even though we were both older than most of the communicants. Then he began to take me to Young Life meetings. At Young Life meetings I met older high school students who were attractive and compelling because they were kind to an underclassman. I met three leaders, Judy, Millie, and Susan, who took an interest in my life. One weekend at Windy Gap a very ‘cute’ man (in the eyes of a 15-yr-old girl) spoke to us about Christ. I didn’t decide to become a Christian only because I had a schoolgirl crush on the speaker, though that was a draw☺! I did say to God, “I want what these people have!” As I think of how God led me to himself, I have a long list of names and faces that I remember: Bob, Martha, Anne, Judy, Steve, and many more.
We should think about the names of the characters in our stories, beginning with our own. We can begin by considering simply the names we are called, for often those carry a story. I am “Elizabeth,” named after Queen Elizabeth, because my father was a Shakespeare professor who taught people about “Elizabethan England.” Do you know why you are called what you are called? Many of us have nicknames, and some of us have been renamed. The Bible gives precedent for the significance of given names and renaming: Abram renamed Abraham (avram – “exalted father” to aviraham – “father of a multitude”); Ishmael (“God has heard”); Saul renamed Paul after his conversion. Names of all sorts give clues to unique characteristics and to ways we are being transformed into the likeness of Jesus.
Think about it: What are some of the names of people who have been agents of hope in your story? How were they involved in the plot of your life?
What are you doing with culture: condemning, critiquing, copying, or consuming? Read this from Andy Crouch and think about it…
“The academic fallacy is that once you have understood something – analyzed and critiqued it – you have changed it. But academic libraries are full of brilliant analyses of every facet of human culture that have made no difference at all in the world beyond the stacks.
To be sure, the best critics can change the framework in which creators do their work – setting the standard against which future creations are measured. But such analysis has lasting influence only when someone creates something new in the public realm.”
Andy Crouch, Culture-Making
Crouch mentions four possible approaches to culture: condemning, critiquing, copying, and consuming. In the paragraphs above, he points out that while critiquing culture is a worthwhile process, especially as it presents opportunities to create new cultural alternatives, it is not enough on its own. Think about how you have approached “culture.” Do you spend more time condemning, critiquing, copying, or consuming? In what areas might you need to alter your approach (or even repent!) to make a significant gospel-toned impact on your culture?
Story Feast: Tuesday, August 4, 7 p.m.
Story Feast: A Picture of Grace:
We had so much fun with the music, I thought we’d try photographs. Bring a photograph, if possible, and a story to share. Here is one verse to ponder as you consider this topic.
“Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he really and truly is.”
1 John 3:2
We know the saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words,” but pictures also tell a thousand stories. Even the lack of photos from a season of our lives can tell a story.
Choose a photo and tell a story related to that picture. You can take this in lots of directions; here are a couple of suggestions.
1. Think about the picture in light of transformation, and even gospel transformation. How do you look different, both externally and internally, than when this picture was taken? What was the story of your life when this picture was taken? How is your story different now than it was then?
2. Psalm 145:1-2: “I will tell of your marvelous deeds…I will show your wonderful works. Tell the story connected to this picture. What is the setting (time, place)? What happened? Who are the main characters? Are there any marvelous works of God this picture shows?
